ME with Boy? Never!

Week of May 21-25

HERO MONDAY- Or Monday

Skip work in order to fly back from Chicago on the flight with the women who will not shut her mouth and is, no joke, seriously much much more annoying then the two children ages 6 mo and 2 years old ridding next to you. Delay = missing Hero’s finale. Damn! But…. Luckily god loves us and she invented Tivo. Spend several minutes after the finale pondering the meaning of life, and the reasons why The Boy isn’t really a Hero despite his desire to be one. Giggle at that thought as you step into the bathroom discovering that the bathroom door in this dilapidated 50 year old house you are sharing with a male roommate doesn’t seem to want to close. And because you are brilliant and because it is midnight you attempt to force the door close. Succeed at forcing the door close only to make a seriously important philosophical discovery: “Forced doors sometimes don’t reopen!” @!*#!!!! Where was Nitche Nitzsche (or whatever he is called) BEFORE you shut the door. Spend a few minutes trapped in a very very small bathroom contemplating what you would do if you were still dating the boyfriend who refused to spend even five minutes at your house after taking a vacation with you because he “needed his alone time!”. An hour later as the door comes flying open revealing a scantly clad Boy with a hammer using numerous curse words, you smile because you realize that the The Boy really is a HERO, even when he doesn’t always believe it himself.

JUST TUESDAY – Or Tuesday

Almost miss the deadline for filing the submission you have been working on for two weeks. How exactly does that happen? Submit it with five minutes to spare just in time to realize you have reversed the order of two of the documents in the submission. With tail between legs you tell your boss so that he has the pleasure of telling you “it’s ok but just remember that when we work on important cases like this we like to get this done correctly (emphasis added by him!)”. Stomp on your own toe so as to prevent yourself from saying “gee thanks cause you know I was taught in my 22 years of formal education that when submitting important documents it always adds a bit of character to screw something up just a tad. Have a great day”. Escape… run to Swing class just in time to introduce The Boy to dance partner who once might have had a crush on you. All decide to eat dinner together in happiness. Run home to giggle with male roommate who figured out a way to make the bathroom door not stick and actually put the doorknob back on so as not to be able to stare at each other through the large hole (your suggestion was going to be a tennis ball but whatever, if he wants to be practical… fine!!!).

LEGAL ILLEGAL INSANITY – Or Wednesday

Day dull!!! Hell nothing at all happened. Only one crazed illegal threatening to kill your co-worker. Starting to wonder if perhaps it is a good idea to purchase bullet proof vest? Hmmmm… those things kinda make your butt look big however so maybe not. Crazed illegal number two will show up in court tomorrow. This one isn’t too bad though, he just thinks the German government bought his wife an adulterous lover so she would sell him out (ie get a protective order against the nut). However the adulterous lover gave her (and you presume him) AIDS. (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried people). Rest of the day spent writing about crazed illegal number three – the one who fell out of her chair sideways and proceeded to flail on the floor for a good ten minutes immediately after you asked her if it wasn’t true that she didn’t “remember” the “horrible incident” that occurred to her back in the day until right before she walked into court. Fascinating how that memory thing works!!

You reveal these tidbits to the British ex who has decided it is his duty to make you “his friend”. He suggests a mini series. You laugh but start considering it. What would a pilot about insanity look like?

THE M WORD – Or Thursday

The Boy informs you that he has recently discovered that he is experiencing “burn out” at work for the first time in his career (did we mention he is 34!!). You want to say “welcome to my world buddy” but instead send back a sweet sensitive e-mail that involves loving phrases such as “get over it buddy!!!”. He loves it You then spend the rest of the afternoon scanning the blog pages of aforementioned friends to see just how many times they mention you (because you are just that vain). Then you start stressing about the fact that in the last week three ex’s who you have not spoken to or heard from in over a year have decided to make contact. It occurs to you that perhaps your mother was right all along when she said that immediately before you make a big commitment such as the “m” word all your ex’s reveal themselves so you can confirm to yourself that you’re doing the right thing. At this point you begin to sweat profusely and start making plans to drink heavily.

Friday

Still drinking profusely!